No Control


I’m a slave to my family, and I can’t break it.  Everything they want, I cave to.  I don’t know why I’m so weak.  Why I must always keep my mother happy.  I should have left years ago.  As I get closer to closing on the house that I essentially bought for my brother to live in, I keep thinking “what if”.  It’s horrible and I’m in tears writing this and thinking about it.  Where my life would be, who I’d be with, who I would be.  I know it’s all just a fantasy, and I’m probably just looking at the optimal outcome, but it sucks.  I swear I’d have a better career, maybe even married by now.  At least I’d have the opportunity for a serious relationship.  I can’t do that when I can’t have anyone over, with privacy.  Not with her emailing or calling me when I’m out.  I let her walk all over me for fear of just getting yelled at.  I don’t know why she terrifies me so much.  NOw my life savings are tied to a house that I have to continually pay for and my brother lives in.  Today my mom was going on about how happy my brother will be.  “He gets his own house, where he’s incharge” . No shit.  For some reason he gets that, but I don’t.  I’m stuck here essentially as her husband.  I want my own life and now I’m trapped even more.

The tears don’t stop.  I don’t know a way out.  I’m so afraid I’m going to something very stupid to myself.  At least I don’t know where the razors are anymore.  Sometimes just thinking about cutting again makes me feel better.  I hope that will be enough. I can’t afford to get anymore scars.  I don’t have a cat to blame them on anymore.  I feel so powerless and foolish.

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