Tag Archives: lonely

Always tired, lost in my own head

I can’t seem to get out of this funk.  I’m just so lethargic and stressed out at the same time.  I can’t remember anything people tell me.  I have a 1000 thoughts racing through my mind per minute.  I just feel like I’ll never be able to get where I need to be.  Even writing this I can’t get my thoughts coherent enough to explain what I’m feeling.  I  have no focus.  I’m stressed out about work (since I broke something, and I don’t know how to fix it).  My mom and I have been fighting.  The Boy and I aren’t getting along anymore.  He took me out for a week late birthday dinner, but things just didn’t seem right.  I’ve only gotten 1 email from him since.

I know the problem is me, but I can’t get myself to be better.  I hate who I am right now.  I want to be a better daughter, a better friend and a better worker, but I can’t get a grasp on anything.  I’m floating along in a bubble.  I can’t connect to anyone or anything.  I try to distract myself with television and exercise, but every thought is still there.  The moments when I can get away from my mind, I come back terrified of even more things: dying, knowing sometime in my life I’ll have to live on after my mother dies, of being alone, of everyone looking down on me, of finally moving out, of finally buying a house and it’s not what I wanted it to be.

I have to live in the moment, but the current moments just seem to suck.  At least I don’t feel like cutting again.

I apologize for the gibberish.  I can’t even get my own pain out without screwing it up.

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Feeling Alone

So there’s not much point to this except to say I’m still here.  The last two weeks have been tainted by an awful round of depression and feeling completely worthless.  I felt like I couldn’t interact with anyone on a normal level.  I questioned every thing I said and did, knowing that in someway I had offended someone, wasted their time or caused them to think less of me.  I have this wall surrounding me, preventing me from connecting with anyone.  I know it’s stupid, but I want to get along with everyone.  I don’t want to give them a reason to hate me.  If someone is upset, I always feel like I’m making it worse by being there.  even if it’s not my fault.

I’ve also been feeling ridiculously lonely lately.  I only have one friend left from high school and I think she is sick of me.  We don’t take often and lately it seems like we have less and less in common.  I’m sure part of that is she used to look up to me.  Her life was kinds messed up and school was tough for her and I would help her out.  Now, she’s got her life in order, she;s out of her parent’s house and going for her phd.  I’m still in my mother’s basement, I finished my masters years ago and my life is stable but boring.  I’m not where I want to be.  I think when I talk to J, I just end up talking about problems and not being very fun.  Mostly i dont know what to say to her anymore.  I’d like to spend more time with her on a regular basis, but that never happens.  Its just too difficult.  She somehow always has time to be with her sisters or roommates or friends who live 20 miles away.  I just think she doesn’t want to be with me with.  The last time I was with her, she said she;d let me know the next time shell have a bunch of people over.  I took that to mean “i dont like spending time with you one on one, but if there’s a bunch of people around you can hang out”.

So I’m not sure what to do about J.  Also I’ve been lonely since my cousin, who initiated getting together, completely ignore my response email.  That’s not like her.  A month later, she writes back, without much of an explanation.  We’re not close from an objective standpoint, but in my life she’s my second closest friend (besides J).  and we don’t have much in common either.  We’ve just known each other since we were 2 and she is very social.  A little to hyper for me which is why I don’t choose to spend so much time with her, but I could and maybe I need to try harder.  It just drains my energy when I’m around here for too long.

Also, The Boy and I aren’t talking a whole lot.  The past month I’ve seen him 3 times.  This was to watch a 3 hour football game and then he had to leave for his bball game immediately afterward.  I obviously am obviously cherished and respected by this man :-/

I’ve just been feeling neglected.  This triggers my social anxiety with everyone and I just stay in my basement from the time I get home until I have to go to work in the morning.