I now have tangible evidence that my anxiety/personality/fear of other people’s opinions has stopped me from enjoying life as much as I can.
I went to a fan convention this weekend, dressed as my favorite video game character. Turns out the company is making a new game and had a huge demo booth there. So I was pretty popular. I was totally fine with the crowds and people asking for pictures, because I wasn’t me. I was the character. It felt AMAZING to be publicly adored and not ridiculed or mocked, like I think everyone does to the real me.
Now, because of the popularity of the game this year, I’m getting special treatment at vendors. Being able to cut lines, given free stuff, VIP access. Even the DEO of the company who makes the game complimented me on it (although I didn’t realize it was him until he next day).
However, I was super uncomfortable cutting in front of people who had been waiting. This was my first time with this level of attention and I clearly didn’t know how to react. The real thing I’m kicking myself over is that I could have been able to bypass a 4 hour line, but I was too afraid of the looks/reactions of those waiting in line.
Stupid, I know. The CEO made a big deal about cosplayers and how much the company respects them, and that I shouldn’t have felt guilty about get special treatment.
So now I’ve been obsessing over every detail. How good it felt to have people appreciate your work so much. How awful I felt for not just asking if I could get what I apparently deserved. Regret over knowing that it will never be this good again (there’s no way they’ll release another game any time soon).I regret not going back the next day for the VIP access. Not that I was planning to, but it would have been so awesome. If I had tried, I could have done it. But I was afraid of my mother’s reaction. I didn’t want to deal with her criticism. Stupid fear of other people’s disapproval. The extreme highs and lows have done a number on my physically. I shook for two days (and still do when I start to obsess again). I haven’t been hungry either. Which is kinda of good since I’ve been overeating, but a clear sign of my anxiety getting worse.The one lesson I am taking away from this is that I have to just ACT. Do something. Ask for what I want. I’ll regret it to a point of sickness if I don’t. As much as it sucked to miss out this year, It came at the right time for me to learn this lesson. I need it to talk to grad school people,w hich I’ve been dreading. I didn’t want to come off as an annoying person, but I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter so much, as they’ll either forget you or help you. I have to remember the reward outweighs the risk. And it will never be perfect. I will never say the exact right things or at the right time, but I can only try. I know I’ll suck, but the safety I feel when I hide is just an excuse.I need to take more chances. Hell, I just need to DO something. I over analyze to the point of deciding doing nothing is the best option.Life is for living. Hopefully I can remember that. At least for a while.