I can’t turn off the screaming


Whenever I’m alone, I scream obscenities at myself.  It’s gets worse when I’m stressed.  And I have been *really* stressed.  It’s repetitive, and doesn’t even make sense most of the time, and I’m not even sure why I’m doing it.  It’s like a compulsion.  Most of the time it’s “you fucking piece of shit”, “fucking whore/slut”, “Bitch” and “You deserve to die”.  I’m not sure where the whore/slut ones come from.  I guess I’m just looking for the most degrading insults I can find.  Normally, these are just running in the back of my head, and I think of them when I make a mistake (like say the wrong word or not knowing what to do or say) or miss an opportunity.  Now I’ve been flat out screaming them at myself.  I think I’ve failed in some way, but logically, I haven’t.  A situation didn’t turn out how I would have liked, but it was beyond my control.  I did almost everything I could to make it right, but something just don’t work out.  I’m sure if I compromised on what I wanted, or overpromised it would have been better, but then I would be in a worse situation later.

Oh, a new one while I was thinking about the situation: “Shitty fucking shit”.

My throat is sore from the yelling.

So the story is I’ve been trying to talk to professors about research, to see if what they’re working on would be something my work would pay for me to go to school for.  I had my first meeting with someone I thought would be who I would be working with, but turns out he doesn’t work in the areas I would have liked to work in anymore.  And I can’t figure out how to phrase what he’s doing into something my work would be willing to pay for.  I kinda knew this going in.  It was a stretch to begin with, but I feel like an arrogant prick when I’m essentially asking “will you take me as a student!”  I have no right to it, and there are plenty of other people better suited than me.  It just feels so presumptuous since none of these people know me, and I have no idea how to ask this in a politically correct way.  It makes me feel like shit wanting something, and asking for it.

I feel like giving up.

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