People have gotten to me. Everyone. I can’t stand strangers, my friends, my friends of friends, and my family. Everyone acts in their own self interest, which I get. That’s needed for survival. But in society, we can step beyond that.
I was worn down a week ago. I spend the day with J, who I’m only realizing now can be high drama and selfish. She’ll attach herself to the strongest personality in the room. I think that’s why I like her one on one. She can be focused, but when we reach her other friends, I’m dropped fairly quickly. She’ll come back to talk to me when they drop her. That day was exhausting. We ended the night at a party for a scifi convention and I thought that would be a good time to meet new people (for some reason I was up for that). No, her friends met with other friends and we were stuck in various edges of groups. I don’t understand the point of parties. Everyone there was just talking to their own people.
Next was my family. Thanksgiving, which means stress. I can’t tolerate holidays anymore. The catering to other people, the expectations, the forced socialization. It was just my grandparents, but my grandmother can be a handful. She’ll hide things and watch us spend 20 minutes looking for it. My grandfather is good, but we only talk about real estate. I don’t have anything in common with my family.
And now the mother rant. The one person who I thought I could trust and count on forever. As with previous posts, I’ve mentioned her selfishness and neediness is becoming evident. There are other words for her, but I don’t know what. She guilts me into all sorts of behavior, and I cave quickly. Ic an’t stay overnight anywhere without getting my head spun around. I can’t even go visit a friend without X days notice (and she’ll forget anyway). God forbid I have someone over the house without her making a huge deal about it. She’ll complain about dirty rugs or she can’t do laundry while my friend’s here. So many excuses. Now she’s accusing me of not “contributing to the household”. Seriously? I spend thousands of dollars a month, plus my time. Don’t accuse me of being a jobless deadbeat child living off you. I buy everything you could want or need. It’s not my fault you spend $5000 for a car that sits in the driveway to rot (she has another car). Now it’s up to me to cover the other expenses? She doesn’t care about my life at all. She wants me home, and writing checks to her. I’ll gladly pay whatever utilities need to be covered, but don’t expect me to just write you a check.
Ugh. She even successfully bullied me into buying a house. I should have said no years ago. My brother will rent it from me, but it won’t cover all the costs, so I have to pay for that as well.
What the fuck is wrong with me? I am so weak, and I can’t escape. I just feel trapped.