I am not ok

It’s like every part of my body has an electric charge running through it.  All I want to do is cringe.  Sleep has been sporadic.  I can’t filter what I say so everything is coming out bitchy and offensive and I don’t know how to stop it without completely withdrawing. I keep making mistakes and I forget how to act.  Every unresolved issue is just running in a constant loop in my head, preventing me from acting liking a socially capable human being.  I’ve been using TV as an escape, but it’s not helping anymore.  Time will fix a few problems, but I know if I just leave it alone the outcome may not be what I want.  I don’t know what to do. Now I’m having flashbacks to the same stressed out feeling as when I was a kid.  I remember how lonely I was, each school year bringing a new “best friend”.  Most of the time they didn’t even know they were my best friend.  For the most part, I was used to it and didn’t really think about it too much.  Sometimes, when I thought I found someone who actually cared I tried harder.  One summer I wrote and mailed a letter to my “best friend” just asking to hang out.  Just one day, throughout the entire summer.  She gave some excuse and I learned to give up.  I know I can’t make people do what I want, as much easier as it would be, but  I’ve been so conditioned to expected rejection from any plan I initiate that I no longer bother.  The only one I risk it with, is the Boy.  Much of it stems from our well established patterns of interaction.  I’ve learned when the highest chance of him saying yes will be.  Still, I let him initiate most of the time, but I don’t know how that reflects on me.

I want to run away and start over.  I’m good at the introductions, before people get to know me.  Once I get close I start to push them away.  I can’t maintain relationships like a normal person should.

Sorry for the random assortment of topics, my mind won’t shut off and keeps jumping around every negative, self-loathing thought I can have.  I wish someone could spend a day in my head and either tell my I’m normal or how to make it stop.


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