It’s like every part of my body has an electric charge running through it. All I want to do is cringe. Sleep has been sporadic. I can’t filter what I say so everything is coming out bitchy and offensive and I don’t know how to stop it without completely withdrawing. I keep making mistakes and I forget how to act. Every unresolved issue is just running in a constant loop in my head, preventing me from acting liking a socially capable human being. I’ve been using TV as an escape, but it’s not helping anymore. Time will fix a few problems, but I know if I just leave it alone the outcome may not be what I want. I don’t know what to do. Now I’m having flashbacks to the same stressed out feeling as when I was a kid. I remember how lonely I was, each school year bringing a new “best friend”. Most of the time they didn’t even know they were my best friend. For the most part, I was used to it and didn’t really think about it too much. Sometimes, when I thought I found someone who actually cared I tried harder. One summer I wrote and mailed a letter to my “best friend” just asking to hang out. Just one day, throughout the entire summer. She gave some excuse and I learned to give up. I know I can’t make people do what I want, as much easier as it would be, but I’ve been so conditioned to expected rejection from any plan I initiate that I no longer bother. The only one I risk it with, is the Boy. Much of it stems from our well established patterns of interaction. I’ve learned when the highest chance of him saying yes will be. Still, I let him initiate most of the time, but I don’t know how that reflects on me.
I want to run away and start over. I’m good at the introductions, before people get to know me. Once I get close I start to push them away. I can’t maintain relationships like a normal person should.
Sorry for the random assortment of topics, my mind won’t shut off and keeps jumping around every negative, self-loathing thought I can have. I wish someone could spend a day in my head and either tell my I’m normal or how to make it stop.