Ugh, I had a massive anxiety attack on my way to work today. Well, it wasn’t normal work. I had to go back to my college to recruit for my employer, so I had to drive back into the city. I hate doing this. I hate talking to strangers and the thought of 5 hours of it was too overwhelming. We have a large team of recruiters, but somehow I made the short list. I couldn’t find an excuse to get out of it this year, like last time.
I started crying on my way in and I couldn’t stop. I was just thinking of how I could screw up or make a fool of myself. Mostly I don’t feel like I can sell my company that well. I work on a small subset of the projects we do and I don’t have any technical understanding of the other ones. Plus the majors that were showing up were not what I was familiar with so I couldn’t really talk to them about anything. I may have been worse than just an HR person going. They have a broader overview of the company, but they like to send the staff for more in depth info. The only person I could talk to (and knew alot about us) wasn’t qualified. I feel so awful, because we have very general hiring positions and I couldn’t tell them what project needed what. We just want “good people”. HR gives us an overview in the fall of what the groups need, but it’s so general it’s useless.
I got better by the end of the day. Another recruiter was there who does this alot, so he helped me with my pitch, so things ended up ok. Some kid I talked to just emailed me to thank me and to ask what else he could do to get hired. I wish I had something better to tell him besides “apply online!”.
I feel like a fraud.
Also, I hate the city and I can’t think of a single good memory from college. I wish I could do it over again. But watching the students between classes and walking among them again remind me how isolated and hopeless I felt. I have no idea how I survived it.