Why I can’t say yes


I know why I’m a still a virgin.  I know why I will probably be one for the rest of my life.  I know why I said no to the man I thought I loved.  I know why I refuse to find a real boyfriend and why I can’t be happy in a relationship.

 

I’m trying to make for the time when I didn’t say no.

 

I didn’t say anything when I was molested repeatedly as a child.  I took it, and sometimes it felt good.  Other times it hurt.  Now I finally realize, at 2 am while trying to fall asleep, why I can’t say yes.  Guilt is the only thing that drives me in life.  Guilt and Fear.

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8 responses to “Why I can’t say yes

  1. That’s not your fault. As a child you don’t understand situations like that. It was way over your head. I’ve been in your shoes and truly, nothing you could havee done or not done could have made any of it your fault.

    • Thanks for the kind words. I’m sorry you had similar experiences. I always run a “what-if” scenario in my head and upon reflection I can see many things I could have done differently. But you’re right, as a child I really did not understand what was even happening to me.

  2. Dearest ‘Twenty-Something Seeking,’ likely you are pissed off with people telling you that ‘it isn’t your fault.’ Sometimes you enjoyed it, and you are racked by guilt. So I won’t say that it wasn’t your fault. It hurts you. I am so deeply sorry that it hurts you. Yet that you have posted this indicates that you are thinking about it as a grown up. If so you are likely also to be in therapy, and I hope you are, and I hope that this is going well for you. You don’t need my pity, but I care. You are very brave. There are plenty of boys out there and there is no rush. My hope is that when the time is right you find a gem. A big hug from Ireland to you.

    • Thank you for caring. I’ve only started to discuss what happened to me so long ago and thankfully this is giving me a better understanding of myself today. I know initially it was not my fault, but there are actions I could have taken that could have changed my level of guilt and following attacks. Who knows what my current state of mind would be though. I would still be affected by it.

  3. Dear you, not to hurt your feelings – but don’t be silly. There were actions you could have taken? What actions? You were a little child. It’s always easy, isn’t it, to see what we could have done years later. Children are not like us. This is why we all have to protect them sweaty. Tell me something. If tomorrow you met the child you were then, how would you judge her? What would you tell her?

    I listened to the song you wrote for your cousin. You are a superb example of a human being. If I were sad or afraid I would trust someone like you.

    Jason Michael

    • Hello Jason. The one action I thought of taking was to tell my mother. But I had a thousand reasons not to at the time (my childish reasons). You are right, I would not be mad at the child, but I know there are people in the world who could be (I still imagine my mother is one of them, but I will never know for sure unless I tell her. but it serves no purpose in doing that now.)
      I appreciate your advice. And thank you for the kind words about my cousin’s song.

  4. I am so damn sorry to here that. But at least you can talk about it. Some people can’t. I guess what you need is some type of closure or a way of moving forward and letting go of the past. I hope that whoever is responsible pays dearly. Peace be with you.

    • Thank you. I’m not even sure where he is or if he’s still alive (he had a few issues, obviously). I’ve accepted that it happened to me and I’m trying to be conscious of the effect it had on me. I’m trying to actively change my negative behaviors as I see it.

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