I had my annual performance evaluation at work today. Always a source of stress because I always think everyone hate me, I’m lazy and they just can’t tell me to my face. this is the one time I year I actually get to have a conversation with my bosses and that’s just not the right way to do things. I get no feedback throughout the year, so I always go in terrified. I got my form before the meeting, so I could see on record how I did (a “work report card” if you will). Every year, the same boxes are checked, the same general goals, maybe one or two tweaks to prove I’m progressing. And always, always, and overall assesment of “very good”.
Not this year 😦
I don’t know what happened, but this is the first time I’ve been marked as just “good”. I know, it’s perfectly fine, and given what they told me, I shouldn’t be concerned, since alot of it is a numbers game (they can’t mark everyone as “very good”). But I was still shocked. Every other box was identical to the year before. I really don’t understand. I did more community service and less presentations (ok, none this year, I hate them), but I still don’t think I deserved a mark down. Also, I only met with my assistant supervisor, not the head supervisor, like I do every year since I started. Something is up and I don’t get it. My mind is just racing trying to put some reasoning together. I hate failure.
On another perspective, I’m actually not as upset as I thought I’d be. I assumed I would go into panic attack mode as soon as I saw the “grade”. It’s almost like I don’t really care. I know I have a job tomorrow, and I was told in the meeting I was doing “very good” work (it actually said that on the form), so WTF?
I’m pissed, but I’m going to have to put it out of my mind. I just have to do the work I’ve been doing. I’ve been at the same place for 5 years and I never thought I would stay that long. Every year I think I should start looking for something else. The overall nature of the work is not something I have an interest in, but I don’t mind my part in it. I know I just need to figure out what I really want to do.