I talked to the ex yesterday, as part of our semi-annual catch phone call (semi annual since it’s typically my birthday and his birthday as the catalyst for conversation). It went…really well. I was a bit surprised actually. No crying after the call, no pangs of withdrawal and no crushing feeling that I won’t ever talk to him again. I never thought I’d be able to say this, but I can really be friends with him, and it can work. I’ll always have a special place for him since he was the first guy to ever really care about me. He showed me physical intimacy can be a positive experience (even if I fought him at the time). He’s had such strong influence on me. Talking to him again has given me that push I needed to do something about my life. It’ll still be baby steps, but at least I won’t be stewing in my own depressing thoughts for a while. I hate that I need an external push to get my life going. I’m still so unsure of myself and what I want, but he did give me good advice (as usual). Our conversations always turn philosophical and i love that. He’s the only person I can have that kind of conversation with. We’re eerily similar and I’ve never been as open with anyone as I am with him (even now, 4 years after breaking up).
I told him how I blog about my problems, and how it’s helped to just get my thoughts out of my head. He wants to see this site, but I’m (naturally) a little hesitant. There isn’t much I wouldn’t share with him, but most of these posts are written during extreme emotional upheavals for me, and I may not necessarily feel the same way anymore. I’ve also mentioned him in previous posts. I’m not sure how he’d react to that, and since he’d be reading this on his own, we couldn’t actively discuss anything. I don’t want him to have the wrong impression.
I’m also afraid that I would start censoring myself if someone I knew was reading it. This blog mostly helps because I can let every thought out with fear of judgment or offending anyone.
So i don’t know if I’ll show him this. Maybe in a few years and I can distance myself from who I am now.