I can’t say I’ve had a full on panic attack in years, but I do experience the mini attacks much more often. This goes beyond the anxiety and hesitation I feel when I leave my office. I still get pressure in my chest, my mind starts racing in a thousand different direction, and I have the incredible urge to flee.
The most recent attack was Thursday, during pickup ball. I tend to get stressed out anyway since I don’t most of the players anymore. I typically only go when I know The Boy will be there. Sadly this time, there we so many people that I don’t get to play with or against him. Just with a bunch of show off jerks who don’t know me and aren’t all that thrilled with a “girl” on the floor (I’m the only girl who ever shows up. I don’t mind that part at all. Just when I get to play on a team with people who know me, the experience is alot more enjoyable). There was one guy who I’d never seen before and he decided to “coach” the team while we were playing. It’s goddamn pickup, just shut up an play. I didn’t take to kindly to him yelling at me during the middle of the game. I wanted to just take off as soon as the game was over, but I waited around for The Boy to finish his game. I didn’t want to take off on him without saying anything. I’ve done it a couple times before when the stress got too much, and he was always concerned. Plus he’s leaving the country for a while for work and I wasn’t sure I would see him before he goes.
Anyway, as much as I wanted to leave, we sat for a while afterwards. sadly my panic attack was in full swing and I couldn’t really hold down a coherent conversation. I just kept fighting the feeling of fleeing. I told him I felt “spazzy”, which was most generic/ambiguous way to describe how I was feeling. I didn’t want to call it a panic attack. I was afraid I’d freak him out. I should have just went home. But that would have required an even bigger explanation. He did email me to ask if I was feeling better that night. I feel guilty not fully explaining myself.