Stalling


Initially, I was going to title this post “Stalled”, since I feel as though my life is stuck and there’s nothing I can do about it. Partially, that may be true, but everything comes down to the decisions I make (or don’t make, as is often the case). I am inherently risk-adverse, essentially over-analyzing every situation to a point where I convince myself the reward is not worth the risk. I can see the pattern in myself but I’m too afraid to break it. I’ve had encouragement from my ex, since he used to go through the same set of feelings, but since he’s no longer a part of my daily life, I’ve been too content to sit back and watch life pass me by.  I’ve been distracting myself with random hobbies, from guitar to sewing, to claymaking, to photography, to consuming way too much internet. My mom has told me since I graduated that I need a hobby. Just nothing cries out to me. I’ll get on a kick for a while but lose interest if it gets too hard or non productive.

I’m one of those people that need to be working toward a goal to feel satisfied.  Ever since I was a kid, that goal was to be good at school then complete my degree, and my graduate degree.  Since I’ve left college, I have a good stable job (even if it’s not what I thought I was going to do) and I don’t have any significant goals left.  Realistically, I don’t know if I want to get married, but ideally I think I would.  I’m not sure emotionally based goals are the best thing for me anyway.  I’ll probably just sink back in to my complacent lifestyle and depression once that goal is accomplished.  I haven’t felt myself since my last big project at work ended 6 months ago.  Ive been coasting and I’m tired of it.  But I’m afraid to change jobs, or even departments. Currently I don’t have the internal strength to meet and get along with new people and re-prove myself to a new boss.  I probably shouldn’t define myself or my life by my work, but it is a significant portion of my day, and alot of it is something I like.

I need balance.  I need a different perspective towards life.  I want to start living, but I’m afraid to and I don’t even know where to start.  Life is ok right now.  I have a job, I have a place to live, I can afford what I need.  What is considered better?

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2 responses to “Stalling

  1. “Currently I don’t have the internal strength to meet and get along with new people and re-prove myself to a new boss”

    I know how that feels. When i started uni last year i didn’t make any effort to make new friends I had too much else going on in my life, that I hardly had time for my old friends let alone making new ones. I also felt like i didnt have much to say. I couldn’t find the effort to make insincere small talk.

    I started a new job yesterday and I liked it. But then I get home and start obsessing over what will happen if I stuff things up ect. Its been like that will all my previous jobs. I hate thinking about when I have to work next, but when I’m actually at work i’m fine & not worried… its all so exhausting.

    • It’s a constant battle :-/ I would think about everything I said to anyone for days, trying to see if i offended or put off anyone. Fortunately, I’m starting to realize they don’t obsess about what I say. I can misspeak alot when I’m stressed but I’m comfortable enough with the people I’m working with now, that it doesn’t bother me as much (but definitely still is bothersome).

      And I can’t stand small talk either. Such a waste of energy, but sadly still socially required.

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