I had been losing control over my social anxiety over the past few months. Last week was probably the worst. I was terrified to leave my office. I didn’t want to walk down the hallway, afraid of who I might run into. I had the constant pain in my chest all week. I would shake sometimes. I just wanted to go home. I almost took some days off, but I was already so far behind. My mind kept drifting to what I have to do if someone came near me.
I hated going to the cafeteria. I know it sounds stupid, but I didn’t want to walk past the crowd of people. I was never this bad. I remember when I started, I would eat lunch there with my coworkers everyday. I never liked the crowds, but I managed. I don’t know what happened. Maybe I lost trust in the people I was with. I no longer feel safe or welcome. Probably because I would periodically avoid them. It’s a cycle I can’t seem to break, but I seem to be stuck in the avoidance phase for the past 6 months. I can be social, and laugh and smile and be happy, but something will trigger me and I just can’t get out of my chair. It not something they did, but in my own head. I often feel unwelcome and I don’t want to be rejected. I’d rather hide than take the risk.